Kindergarten Cop isn’t unique in mixing badasses and kids, then, nor action and comedy (even the otherwise appallingly saccharine Three Men and a Baby, from three years earlier, inexplicably climaxes with a face-off with heroin dealers atop an abandoned construction site). It is (usually) funny to see large, strong men who spend their time beating bad guys half-to-death at the mercy of small children. Nanny (in which wrestler Hulk Hogan is a wrestler-turned-babysitter) to 2005’s The Pacifier (starring Vin Diesel as a Navy SEAL who goes undercover as a babysitter) to this year’s My Spy (where Dave Bautista plays a CIA agent who becomes a reluctant mentor to a 9-year-old), and there are many, many more such movies. More importantly, the film’s core premise - the juxtaposition of a big tough action hero like Schwarzenegger with a bunch of cute kids - is such an undeniably great premise that movies have been using the same formula since its premiere, from 1993’s Mr. I laughed out loud when, after Arnold’s character admits he’s from Austria (which I don’t ever remember happening in a single other Schwarzenegger flick) earlier in the film, his partner (Pamela Reed) has to pretend to be his sister and suddenly busts out her own Austrian accent to maintain their cover. The scene where a frazzled Schwarzenegger is trying to convince his precocious students that his headache is “NOT A TOOMAH!” is still a comedic gem. The problem is, though, there’s still stuff to laugh at! Even 30 years later, it’s genuinely funny to see small children run roughshod over the Austrian Oak, as is seeing the action star in a cartoon cowboy outfit singing “Old MacDonald” to his students. There’s a lot more to cringe over than laugh at. When Kimble learns a student and his mother are being abused by the father, the teacher beats the crap out of him instead of calling the authorities (although when it happens again, Kimble does declare he’s “pressing charges”). There’s a lot of “kids say the darndest things” gags in here, including one adorable ragamuffin who chants “boys have a penis, girls have a vagina” like a mantra, and a girl who, when asked what her dad does for a living, replies, “My dad repairs cars for women who are pinheads,” the clear idea being that’s what’s she’s learned at home. The mom is, of course, purely relieved, the unspoken but obvious implication being, at least he’s not gay. When a mom comes to school upset that her son is playing with dolls, Kimble assures her the kid’s doing so because he’s obsessed with looking up girl’s skirts, which we see on multiple occasions. To call Kindergarten Cop problematic is a woeful understatement. But when Kimble’s partner gets sick with a stomach bug, the badass cop has to pretend to be the new kindergarten teacher in hopes of figuring out which is Crisp’s kid, so he can convince the mom to testify against her ex, and here’s where the comedy comes in: The man we saw using a shotgun instead of a warrant is now completely overpowered by a bunch of hyperactive 5- and 6-year-olds. Kimble and his partner head to Oregon to find Crisp’s ex-wife, who’s in hiding with their child all they know is the kid is in the local elementary school. Kimble is so hard-boiled he handcuffs a woman dependent on drugs to her boyfriend (whom Crisp had just murdered) so he can force her to be a material witness, which would be disturbingly hardcore even in a straight-up police procedural. The movie starts with Schwarzenegger as John Kimble, who’s obsessed with catching Cullen Crisp (Richard Tyson), a drug kingpin he’s been unable to bust for five years. But Kindergarten Cop goes far, far beyond that. The idea of a comedy movie - a rather family-friendly comedy, at that - ending with a shootout in a school and a child held hostage by his own father is unthinkable in 2020, and deservedly so. These days, though, the movie is a lot more complicated. Audiences loved the silliness of Schwarzenegger - doing his best Dirty Harry impression - getting flustered by a bunch of rambunctious five- and six-year-olds. Starring Arnold Schwarzenegger as a police detective who goes undercover as a kindergarten teacher, the movie was a solid hit when it came out in 1990, more than tripling its $26 million budget. Kindergarten Cop is celebrating its 30th anniversary this year, although “celebrating” might be the wrong word. Now, imagine this movie is also a family comedy. Worst of all, this man’s mere presence lures a sociopath to the school, culminating in a child being taken hostage and a bloody shoot-out in the gym shower room. He runs the class like boot camp, with all its rigorous physical training. He’s pretending to be a teacher and he screams violently at his young students whenever he thinks they’re out of line. Imagine a movie about an adult man bringing guns to an elementary school.
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